Anxiety

If you don’t wanna read about my personal stuff, please ignore this one. I just needed somewhere to say all this.
I didn’t really wanna title this “anxiety” but that’s basically what I’m talking about, right? Also I have zero creativity so there’s that.
I don’t know if it was official (can these things be official? Do I get a certificate or something?) But my doctor diagnosed me with anxiety a couple weeks ago (I think she said it was mild, but if this is mild, I am so sorry for anyone with full-on anxiety). That explains why I cry anytime school is mentioned. (I guess that’s my trigger. How am I supposed to avoid that? I don’t think I could have a worse trigger in my situation, man.)
I had all yesterday to do homework, but I’m a piece of trash, so I screwed around and admired the outside because holy cow the sky over our heads is literally the most beautiful thing in existence. I had almost no time today to do homework, as most of the day was at church or spent with a few friends (doing something very important, might I add. We weren’t out shopping or watching movies or anything, so don’t get mad at me.) But today was okay, I guess. I mean, my dad forgot me and my sisters at church (how do you do that? It took a lot of self-control to not freak out at him. If I were to swear loudly, that would have been an ideal time, but I’m a somewhat controlled person so I didn’t. I’m still very upset.) But I was still kind of okay until I got home and sat down in my room, with my backpack next to me. I opened up my laptop so I could do homework (haha we know me, I wasn’t actually) and I typed out what I needed to do (still need to do dangit) and as I was finishing, I started freaking out. (I think I was hyperventilating. I don’t know exactly what a panic attack feels like, but I suspect that might have been it, even though it only lasted a few minutes because I separated myself from the situation (which means I hid in the bathroom with the door locked and I cried) and the average panic attack is a lot longer than that. (I shouldn’t have that knowledge.)) I hadn’t even started my work, and I was already reduced to that. Do you see the problem here? I’ve been trying for homeschooling, but mom has given me this excuse that’s something like “you’re way smarter than I was at your age, how do you expect me to homeschool you?” Idk mom, I mean, you’re looking at the person who’s failing precalculus because she can’t turn in homework or learn the material or anything. What’s worse, I can’t talk about it without crying, so I just don’t talk about it. I mean, the only way I got diagnosed was by complaining about the stomachaches I got in precalculus every day. The medicine my doctor prescribed for my nausea made me extremely drowsy, so I’m stuck with stuff that (I guess) fixes the stomachaches, but I still get extremely anxious and can’t function when assigned homework. I’m fine in a school environment, but when you send me home with homework, that’s when the anxiety sets in. It only follows me to school because I have to face the fact that I didn’t, do the homework that everyone else completed with no problems whatsoever.
Moving away from my utter lack of ability to function in school.

I have been listening to a lot of Twenty One Pilots (have I told you that already? Idk I can’t keep track of my thoughts, they’re too fast) and I absolutely love love LOVE them on my gosh. (Not as much as my bae Adam Young but still wowie wow they’re amazing)

I drink coffee a lot now. I drink it with this weird pumpkin creamer that tastes sooo good omg delicious.

I have to go face this, I guess. I might update you guys tomorrow, if I actually do my homework. Chances are, I probably won’t.

Also, I’m sorry if you read this and don’t really care about my mental state, I don’t really want to make you sit through my sad story, so I guess that’s why I titled this so bluntly.

Hello, I am procrastination

Yes hi hello my children. It is I. And I am back (in the middle of the school day, but oh well).
I finished my work for one class and have ten minutes that I should be using for other work but whatever.
I thought I should update you guys on stuff. Um I’m reading Ouran High School Host Club (idk if I told you that), I finished season 7 of supernatural, and I’m reading Ashfall by Mike Mullin.
OHSHC is amazing. I just wish Tamaki would stop trying to make Haruhi act feminine. Let her do what she wants, goodness Senpai.
Season 7 was so great, despite the lack of Baby. I’m looking forward to Season 8. Netflix needs season 9 so I can marathon it and watch season 10 at the same pace as all the other fans.
Ashfall is really good. It’s kinda gory, but that’s not bad at all. I just wish he’d have left out this romantic garbage that’s in EVERY BOOK I READ EVER.

I got on my Bible app because I read it daily now (go me) and the verse of the day is 1 Corinthians 13:4-5.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”

I just think everyone needs to keep that in mind. Before you criticize someone’s relationship, or get in one yourself, remember this.

I have to leave now my children. Farewell.
~Coolio out

Sweet Dreams

Okay my titles are just utter crap at this point. I do apologize for them.

Last night, I had a dream. It was kinda weird, so I decided to tell you. Okay background information.

I think, after big events that I get really excited and maybe kinda nervous about, I get dreams ranging from “uh that was kinda strange” to “what the heck what drugs was I on omg”. These dreams were somewhere in the middle. They were more funny than weird. (I was at a friend’s party yesterday and I had to wear nice clothes and saw someone I haven’t seen in forever who I really love and there were a lot of internalized emotions on my part.)

Okay, so in the first dream, I was asked to watch something on the stove and turn in off when it was done. Seemed pretty simple, so I set a timer and went with it. Before I could finish it, though, I heard arguing, and it was coming towards me. I wasn’t in any danger though, it was just my parents arguing about the price of something they’d bought while they were out. They had some shopping bags, so I decided to help them carry them in. We got the groceries put away and there was one more bag left. I go to take care of it and iTS A PUPPY. I didn’t know what to do, I was kinda shocked. (Turns out, some guy made them pay $300 for it instead of $200, which both seem like really outrageous prices for a dog. I’d expect, like, three dogs with shots and all of them spayed/neutered and house trained AND toys and trained to play things like fetch. Now you all know what I really want. But I’ll accept lil kittens too omg kittens. I need to stop. Back to the dream.) This puppy was very little and very red. He was kinda fox-ish. He had a white tummy and paws and the rest was red. He was maybe the size of a kitten, but not like a newborn. Yknow when kittens reach that sorta “teen” stage where they’re not babies and not adults and they’re kinda skinny and flexible and all that? He was about that big, but idk how flexible. I was kinda surprised, so I guess the logical thing to do was go take a nap??? So I go upstairs to my room and lie down on the floor and I look over and little puppy followed me! I think this is when I realized how fox-like he was. I mean, he hasn’t barked, he didn’t clomp up the stairs like most puppies would have (actually most puppies wouldn’t have been able to make it very far, but oh well. We’re dreaming right now, logic has no place here). So lil puppy comes over to me and crawls uNDER MY ARM (like Simba did in the Lion King, except nowhere near as sad) and we lie there and cuddle for a while. Flash forward through time and we’re outside with our other dogs (which we don’t have in real life. I think there were five dogs???? Dream me is a crazy dog person I guess. There go my hopes of twelve cats. *sigh*) and my mom is calling their names because they were running around and being noisy, as dogs do. So one of us comments on how puppy, who’s now almost done being a puppy (He’s about teenage puppy size), doesn’t have a name. And so I’m brainstorming. I think of movies and books about foxes and throw out the name Hound, but it got shot down. Then I started thinking about bands??? And I suggested Patrick and Pete, and mom said “Patrick! Great” and that’s where the dream switched into some weird mutant thing that had nothing to do with the dog I mentally created.

That’s the story of how my need for a dog is now projecting itself inside my dreams. It’s not helping anything, my parents won’t allow any more dogs diggity dangit. I need these hopes to be projected into dad’s dreams, then maybe he’d get some common sense.

I am done explainering my dreams to you, friends. Happy birthday, and good day.

NO WAIT I’m catching up in Supernatural and omg I got introduced to Charlie AND Kevin yesterday and it was amazing okay I’m done now.

~Coolio out

Centuries

(I considered titling this “Poisoned Youth” but then realized that this has nothing to do with poisoned youth. Just Fall Out Boy.)

OKAY YOU GUYS I JUST CAN’T

Fall Out Boy released a new song and I’m so excited I’ve got it on repeat right now and it’s just so intense and omg

It’s called Centuries and it sounds AMAZING. Please, take this time to listen to it.

I’m just so pumped now. I don’t think I can form a coherent thought anymore. This post is taking me awhile, you guys.

But omg please listen to it and love it it’s just so amazing please.

ALSO Patrick Stump iS GONNA BE A FATHER AT THE END OF OCTOBER AAAAHHH HE’S GONNA BE A DAD I’M SO HAPPY FOR HIM AH

That’s what I came here to talk about, but I can tell you about Twenty One Pilots, too. I found Forest yesterday and it touched me. I loooove it. (Not as much as Centuries but I mean Patrick Stump.) Anyways, I listened to almost the entirety of Regional At Best and it’s really really good.

Ah okay that’s it. I’ve gotta go internally scream these lyrics.

“Some legends are told, some turn to dust or to gold. But you will remember me, remember me for centuries!”

*me screaming in the distance*

~Coolio out

Anniversary???

So according to WordPress, I registered a year ago. I’ve been plaguing this website for a year. Wowowow. Celebrate, my children.

Anyway, I’m back. *moriarty voice* Did you miss me?

My fast was a sad failure. I broke after maybe a week and got back on Facebook, but I didn’t get on pinterest till yesterday and here till (obviously) today. Um, I feel kinda out of practice???

So I plan on being Marceline for Halloween this year. Her costume seems fairly simple, but I need to make her guitar. One of my friends is going as Marshall Lee, so we’re gonna be like twins. (Also, Marceline and Marshall Lee are characters from Adventure Time. Marshall is the genderbent Marcy. Google them if you want, they’re pretty cool. They’re vampires.)

Um I started listening to a lot of Marina and the Diamonds. 10/10 recommend. Have I recommended her? Idk, I’m gonna do it again. Also, I found this singer on YouTube, ashestoashesjc, I highly suggest you go listen because Ashe’s voice is beautiful. I personally like Perks (one of Ashe’s own songs) so go listen, as it will make you happy.

Um um um I’m reaaallly out of practice, I guess. I started going on walks again, now that it’s colder. I do actually use it to procrastinate, I’m about to after I finish this. (This is also me procrastinating.)
I currently have homework in about half my classes. (I have to read an entire book still, and research a couple colleges, as well as do some AP physics work. I’ll have you know, I hate physics, okay? Why I’m taking an AP physics course is beyond me.) But I’m over here procrastinating. Okay, I’m gonna go on my walk. Farewell children!
~Coolio out

I can’t even think of a title.

I’m going to break my fast thing, not because it’s too much, but because of Robin Williams. If you haven’t heard, he committed suicide today. I’m just utterly shocked. It really woke me up, reminded me that they feel what we feel, and they’re not immortal. He will be deeply missed.

~Coolio

Fast Food, Again?

I think I might be addicted to the Big King at Burger King. I just had one for dinner and all I want is another one. Something about the special sauce, I think. I’m craving it. That’s also the reason I craved Sonic’s breakfast burrito: the tangy cheese sauce. It’s the tang that I think is what hooks me. It’s really upsetting, because I can’t focus on my summer reading, and I’m only 48 pages into Fast Food Nation. I still have The Jungle to read, and possibly do a bunch of math (idk all the math teachers did a really bad job of informing us on our summer work.) At this rate, I might have to fake sickness in order to get out of the first day of school and finish my work. I’m extremely upset at myself and my teachers. Myself for fairly obvious reasons (procrastination) and teachers for giving homework.
I was thinking (wow shocker) and I realized that my quarrel is not so much with going to school. I’m cool with that, and with a little adjustment, I could possibly get used to the teaching systems. It’s the homework. All’s well when I’m in school, a learning environment, surrounded by my peers (I guess. I mean I really don’t like them. They’re irritating) who are also learning the same things as me. But when you assign me extra work and send me home, an environment of comfortability and relaxation, I can’t handle it. My brain malfunctions and says “nope we are not doing any work” and then I end up doing all my work in a sleep-deprived rush in the middle of the night, or, y’know, as the teacher is taking it up, whatever. It just doesn’t work for me.
I realize now why Study Hall is an option: so students who have trouble with this can stay within the learning environment, but not get any extra work at the same time. Now I just need to find a way to motivate myself to take advantage of the study hall and organize my homework. Are there any good free apps on the appstore? I just figure, since I always have my phone, it’d be smart to keep my agenda on there.

Anyway, I’m excited. (You have to tell them why, Coolio) INTO THE WOODS IS GETTING A MOVIE OMG YES
IF YOUVE SEEN THE AD OMG ITS AMAZING
It’s gonna have Johnny Depp, Meryl Streep, Chris Pine, and a bunch of other actors, but those are the ones I remember. I’m so ready, though. (Into the Woods is a musical. My 6th grade choir did the Jr version, and it was my first actual play. (I don’t count little church skits) It greatly affected me, and was the cause of my appreciation of musicals.) I’m ready for it noooow. The ad reminded me a lot of the recent Alice in Wonderland movie, also starring Johnny Depp. It’s got that creepy-ish feel about it. If you wanna watch a performance before you see the movie, there’s a full version on Netflix. It’s amazing, and all the songs are great. Trust me, it won’t be a waste of your time.

Also, me and some friends in my youth group have all decided to cut out social media for a month, and I’m assuming that includes blogging, so I’ll vanish on the sixth and be back in September, if all goes well. It’s a thing we’re trying: cut something out to make room for the Lord. The idea actually caused me to read more of my Bible yay! (I hope you don’t see the word Bible and cringe. I’m not like the Westboro Baptist Church. I can guarantee you that the WBC is not a common thing. I see them as an embarrassment. I fully support gender equality and marriage equality. I also happen to believe that Christ died for our sins and was resurrected three days later, etc etc etc. It’s not an either/or thing, okay? I just wish more people would realize that.)

Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know that I’m fasting from social media, not off hunting demons with Team Free Will. (Although, hunting with the boys sounds like way more fun than social media…)

~Coolio out

Croatoan

Okay. Yesterday was August 1st, and as far as I know, the apocalypse has not happened, so I think we’re all safe. (Let’s hope I didn’t jinx it…)

My sister was sick yesterday and she was slightly delirious. She woke up from her nap and walked to my mom, almost crying, and asked her why the blanket she was sleeping with was so big. Not terribly funny, just slightly confusing, as it wasn’t even very big. But then my mom started asking her basic questions: what house are you in (ours, but she said Squidward’s), stuff like that. Then she said “I’ve got big buns all over the place!” (Spongebob was on TV and there were Krabby Patty buns all over the place.) My mom saw I was laughing and gave me The Look. (“Stop laughing, you’re gonna make me laugh” is the one I’m referring to). My other sister walked in and mom asked who she was. Sick sister said “Squidward’s sister.” Mom made her come into the kitchen again and sick sister started crying and said “Why did Squidward do this to me?” (What? Did he make her sick? Idk.) Her deliria started to clear up after that, but I found it hilarious.

A couple days ago, I went into a Hot Topic, and what do you know. Panic! at the Disco was playing loudly, and all the employees were singing along, so I felt instantly at home. I saw Attack on Titan stuff, Sword Art Online, and a bunch of other stuff, but the best one was the Supernatural. They had an entire rack of Supernatural merch. It was beautiful. I fell in love. If there were a Hot Topic closer to where I live, I’d apply for a job so fast, I swear. I’ll probably end up working at the movie theater or the pet store, idk.

So, I’m a little upset. School for me is in less than a week and I still haven’t finished my summer reading. I also don’t know if I had summer work for math, and I can’t check because I forgot what class I’m taking. I’m seriously considering not doing it at all and just dropping out and homeschooling or something. (The only thing stopping me is the thought of being at home 24/7 with my mom. The sarcasm would kill us both.) I hate myself for procrastinating this for TWO MONTHS. I do this to myself every time, too. And every time it happens, I get sent into this crisis and I start thinking about how nothing is worth it because we’re all gonna die anyway, and that does nothing to motivate me.

But remember: my sister is actually Squidward’s sister, and we live in Squidward’s house.
~Coolio out

Musicals

Have I used that title before? Idk. (Omg my sister was talking to me and I was half-listening and she said something like “…and I took flamingo dancing” and I was like “what. You mean flamenco” omg sorry I needed to tell someone) Anyway tonight’s been a musical evening. I got on YouTube and on my recommended was a video with “Les Miserables” and “One Man Medley” and so obviously I clicked on it and it was wonderful. (One Man Les Miserables Nick Pitera Medley. If you were planning on checking it out. You should. Go do it. Now. Here I’ll give you a link. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=i44X7_oB-Rg ). From there I found his Phantom of the Opera thing. Lemme tell you, Nick Pitera has an IMPRESSIVE vocal range. Like wow. He pulled off Cosette AND Javert. AND Christine Daae! Like hold up there man. Too much.
Well that put me in a musical mood so I ended up listening to some Wicked and a bunch of Les Mis which led to sad songs obviously (and Panic! At the Disco’s version of This is Halloween but everything leads there. Panic is amazing.)
But I wanted a particular sad song. And I thought “Oh maybe I shared it on Facebook!” So I went back to the beginning and scrolled through it all. I didn’t find it there, but as I scrolled, I noticed how happy and promising I seemed, all excited about good grades and doctor who and Harry Potter and just all around innocent. By happy, I mean open and talking to people and enjoying myself and unafraid of other people’s opinions of me. The happy posts stopped around this past Christmas. My problem is I don’t know why. Why did I go from that little nerd who was all excited about learning and could ACTUALLY TALK TO PEOPLE into this antisocial, irritating, irritated loser who can’t talk about school without crying and obsesses over famous men in their 30s? (Note: I’m not hating myself, loser is being used somewhat affectionately. As much as possible in this situation.)
Wow this was supposed to be a happy post for once. Oops. Anyway, yeah my hunch is school + my really screwed up mind + internet = me losing my social skills. I MESSED UP TALKING TO SOMEONE TODAY. I DONT LEAVE THE HOUSE EXCEPT FOR CHURCH. YOU’D THINK I COULD DO IT BECAUSE IM SORTA COOL WITH THEM BUT NOOOOO. THERE I GO, DESTROYING HOW I VIEW MYSELF (because we all know I just overdramatize things and other people don’t care when I screw up whilst conversing. I just feel like imploding when it happens to me.)
Okay still haven’t fixed it. Um Dan Howell made a new video, that’s good. It has potato metaphors and whatnot. Check it out. It’ll improve your mood after reading all this.
~Coolio out

Fast Food, yum

Okay, so I’m currently fighting my way through my summer reading (but you’re only like two pages in???) AND IM ALREADY FIGHTING UGH
Anyway, I’ve decided that, since this book is meant to put us off fast food (or, at least, that’s what I think) I want to find a way to eat some fast food in my English class at the beginning of the school year, just to make everyone else feel sick. (Wow you’re horrible) I know.
(But won’t you hate fast food too?) Hahaha! No. I eat domino’s every Friday, Taco Bell every Sunday (although, that one’s kinda not my choice), Sonic any time we go shopping (don’t tell my sisters, they don’t know about the ice cream), and Burger King all the time. What I wouldn’t give for a breakfast burrito from sonic right now. I am determined to defy this book. I will keep my unhealthy habits because they’re cheap-ish and simple (and if I’m going to college I better get used to ramen and McDonalds all the time). Besides, I eat nice homemade meals all the time. I can afford to eat unhealthy crap from fast food places. Maybe not all the time, but sometimes. And eventually, I’ll stop eating the stuff for a long enough time that they’ll make me sick when I try again. (That happened to me with soda. It was scary. I’m used to soda again, so we’re good.)

I’m gonna look back at this in a while and be horrified at my eating habits, I know.

Anyway, back to struggling through Fast Food Nation. Nonfiction required readings are gonna be the death of me. But don’t worry. I have a cat to pet when the reading gets too stressful and make me cry again.
Seriously though, do either FFN or the Jungle get any easier while reading? Because if not, I’m screwed.
~Coolio out