If you don’t wanna read about my personal stuff, please ignore this one. I just needed somewhere to say all this.
I didn’t really wanna title this “anxiety” but that’s basically what I’m talking about, right? Also I have zero creativity so there’s that.
I don’t know if it was official (can these things be official? Do I get a certificate or something?) But my doctor diagnosed me with anxiety a couple weeks ago (I think she said it was mild, but if this is mild, I am so sorry for anyone with full-on anxiety). That explains why I cry anytime school is mentioned. (I guess that’s my trigger. How am I supposed to avoid that? I don’t think I could have a worse trigger in my situation, man.)
I had all yesterday to do homework, but I’m a piece of trash, so I screwed around and admired the outside because holy cow the sky over our heads is literally the most beautiful thing in existence. I had almost no time today to do homework, as most of the day was at church or spent with a few friends (doing something very important, might I add. We weren’t out shopping or watching movies or anything, so don’t get mad at me.) But today was okay, I guess. I mean, my dad forgot me and my sisters at church (how do you do that? It took a lot of self-control to not freak out at him. If I were to swear loudly, that would have been an ideal time, but I’m a somewhat controlled person so I didn’t. I’m still very upset.) But I was still kind of okay until I got home and sat down in my room, with my backpack next to me. I opened up my laptop so I could do homework (haha we know me, I wasn’t actually) and I typed out what I needed to do (still need to do dangit) and as I was finishing, I started freaking out. (I think I was hyperventilating. I don’t know exactly what a panic attack feels like, but I suspect that might have been it, even though it only lasted a few minutes because I separated myself from the situation (which means I hid in the bathroom with the door locked and I cried) and the average panic attack is a lot longer than that. (I shouldn’t have that knowledge.)) I hadn’t even started my work, and I was already reduced to that. Do you see the problem here? I’ve been trying for homeschooling, but mom has given me this excuse that’s something like “you’re way smarter than I was at your age, how do you expect me to homeschool you?” Idk mom, I mean, you’re looking at the person who’s failing precalculus because she can’t turn in homework or learn the material or anything. What’s worse, I can’t talk about it without crying, so I just don’t talk about it. I mean, the only way I got diagnosed was by complaining about the stomachaches I got in precalculus every day. The medicine my doctor prescribed for my nausea made me extremely drowsy, so I’m stuck with stuff that (I guess) fixes the stomachaches, but I still get extremely anxious and can’t function when assigned homework. I’m fine in a school environment, but when you send me home with homework, that’s when the anxiety sets in. It only follows me to school because I have to face the fact that I didn’t, do the homework that everyone else completed with no problems whatsoever.
Moving away from my utter lack of ability to function in school.
I have been listening to a lot of Twenty One Pilots (have I told you that already? Idk I can’t keep track of my thoughts, they’re too fast) and I absolutely love love LOVE them on my gosh. (Not as much as my bae Adam Young but still wowie wow they’re amazing)
I drink coffee a lot now. I drink it with this weird pumpkin creamer that tastes sooo good omg delicious.
I have to go face this, I guess. I might update you guys tomorrow, if I actually do my homework. Chances are, I probably won’t.
Also, I’m sorry if you read this and don’t really care about my mental state, I don’t really want to make you sit through my sad story, so I guess that’s why I titled this so bluntly.